the Dental Damn, the Deputy Head and the Fisting...

Circle time with contraception. Excellent story fodder.

Picture the scene:

The tables are all pushed back against the walls, and Miss and 30 year 9s are circling a pile of contraception (an empty pill box, a coil in tiny plastic display case, a cap that looks as if it comes from the stone ages, a string of condoms and a torn femidom). The class are about as enthralled as they ever get: two or three are trying to check their phones through the material of their trousers, or sneak an earphone into their ear under their hair, or polish their shoes (seriously. I had to confiscate a tin of shoe polish twice this week. I have no idea what this is about) but most are sitting mouths closed and wide eyed, looking right at me, completely engrossed. I can practically see the cogs creak into action as they try to work out what on earth a dental damn could possibly be for.

(For those of you not in the know - a dental damn is a thin sheet of latex (or similar) that is used to protect everyone involved in cunnilingus.)


So I'm sitting there, stretching this thing out, saying "come on, be creative, what could this be used for?" And of course this is the time the Deputy Head pops his head round the door to ask whether a child bunking and messing about in the corridor is anything to do with me.

"Miss, is this young lady out of your lesson, or..."

He stops mid sentence as one side of the dental damn slips out of my hand and pings back against the other. I've just snapped a dental damn at him. Poor man.

"No, Sir, she's not in this class." The whole class is silent. "Maybe room 13 next door?"

"Right... Yes... I'll try there... Carry on... Carry on"

As the door closes the class of course erupt, and I give them a couple of minutes to let it out before calming them down and getting their minds back to the task at hand.

"So anyway, creative hats on, what could this be for?"
"Do you wrap it round your penis, Miss?"
"Let's think - would that be an effective way to protect yourselves? Would it stop sperm and infections?"
"Nah, nah, must be summat else innit"
"Do you use it to wipe your fanny?"
"Your what, Shannon?"
"Your vagina Miss, sorry Miss"
"Much better. Does it look like it absorbs liquid? Would it be a good wiping device?"

and so on... Guess work gets us to the point where we have worked out it is placed over a vagina, and is not used for penetrative sex.

"Oh oh, Miss! Miss!!! I got it, I got it! You put it on, and use a finger innit!?"
"So close! Not a finger but a..."
"a fist!"

Um, no... hopefully not a whole fist, particularly at your age Craig.

When someone finally guesses correctly I'm greeted with thirty squirming pink tongues sticking out at me and choruses of "errr, gross!" A nice reminder that they are only little, despite frequent attempts to convince me, each other, and themselves otherwise.

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