Why are kids so obsessed with knowing private details about their teachers? I’m pretty open with them. They know I’m unmarried, not gay, have no children myself, am friends with Mr G in Science (and clearly, as we are different genders, we must be doing it) that I live in Charlton near the football grounds, miss my cat, have three little brothers, have naturally curly hair, like the foo fighters, dislike most RnB, have taught in schools in Scotland and Kent before this one (it’s almost true!) and have a friend who has sex when she has her period. There’s only two things I’ve been asked that I’ve decided not to reveal. “How old are you Miss?” and “When were you last fingered?”

The age thing is strange. The older ones reckon I’m about 23, 24, which is just about acceptable. The year 7s think I’m 33, which is "ANCIENT BLUD". A year 8 asked me what it was like to live through WWI. (I like to think this is either because her maths is bad, or her knowledge of when WWI actually was, not that I look 70). The nurse thinks I was having sex in the days condoms were made of pigs skin. “Condoms are nice and thin now, boys can’t complain about anything, not like they used to be ey Miss?"

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